I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
