I'm eating all of the evidence.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
