# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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