And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I stole a fireplace last night.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
