Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
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