im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
