i permit you to call me
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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