I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
