if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
