Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
