Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
