I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
