I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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