i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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