She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize