The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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