i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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