Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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