sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
