can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
can u get pink eye on your cock?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize