The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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