I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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