God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
