after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
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