Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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