I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
