im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
