STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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