All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
the gays at disneyland are vicious
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
