The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Just high enough for therapy.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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