I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
