I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
