theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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