I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
