apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
