If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
