I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
