Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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