are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize