THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
