I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
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