I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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