Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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