took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize