Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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