i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
