Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
