I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
