For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
