HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
