when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
