Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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