What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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