My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
