I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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