Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
