A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
